


It felt like a field of marigolds.

by Skinninglemons4fun



Series: Before we rise together, we have to fall apart [3]
Category: Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Disorder, Gen, Heavy Angst, Out of Character, References to Depression, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, TommyInnit centric, definitely out of character, self deprecation, the darkest one of this series, this one is definitely self projecting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-10
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:27:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27488056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skinninglemons4fun/pseuds/Skinninglemons4fun
Summary: Under the sun’s most radiant skiesI watch you from afarA flaming yellow, bold and brightMarigolds, may I worship your artYour beauty sets my heart ablazeI long to quaint your starsBut yet I try, an unrelenting gazeTo worship the way you are
Relationships: Dave | Technoblade & Wilbur Soot & TommyInnit & Phil Watson, Toby Smith | Tubbo & TommyInnit, definitely not - Relationship
Series: Before we rise together, we have to fall apart [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2005441
Comments: 8
Kudos: 122





	It felt like a field of marigolds.

**Author's Note:**

> as mentioned in the tags, this will definitely be more descriptive than the last two, you know because of impact and stuff. this is also on the verge of being problematic so if Tommy ever changes his mind about fanfiction I will take this down with an issued apology.
> 
> this is another trigger warning, because it is definitely important. this piece will describe self harm, mental disorders and blood in somewhat detail. so if you are triggered by anything please don't read this!!! the well being of you guys concern me more than the amount of kudos I get.
> 
> so please, keep this in mind when reading this article of work.
> 
> this is also STRICTLY PLATONIC, shippers please dni

It felt like a field of marigolds, sitting quietly in a busy classroom. Someone was talking to him, but he wasn’t sure who. It was probably in his best interests not to interact though, he didn’t really want someone else to realise how terrible of a person he was and leave him like all his other friends will eventually. He dazes off, watching the sun pass through wafts and tufts of pearly white clouds and he wonders how it would feel like to touch the sky.

People thought that Tommy was weird, or at least he thought they did. He couldn’t have counted the amount of times he’d broken his mirror at home, blood spilling and bruises blossoming on pale skin. Phil said that he was being pessimistic, but Tommy knew that he wasn’t

He was just being realistic.

It took him a few months of trying to eventually not give a shit. Because no matter how hard he tried, there was still a dark deep whirlwind that swirled inside his mind, reminding him that he was never going to be good enough. He looked up to his brothers, idolized him in a way that was probably not healthy. Techno was the leader of the debate and fencing club, he was always the star student even if he hadn’t tried. Wilbur was the loudest and the one loved by all, gotten highest in humanities for most of his years at school.

And Tommy… Well Tommy was nothing. How could he amount to anything when he was casted down by the shadows of something he will never live up to? 

Soft, yellow petals choke up in his throat when he asks to go to the bathroom, dashing callously through crowds of people that seemed to mock Tommy with their happiness, how cool must it be to have that sense of joy? He wonders as he weaves past them all. The lock clicks and he sinks onto the bathroom floor, ugly baby blue tiles reflecting his ugly stupid face. God why do I have to be like this, he thinks again, so dumb, so weird. He makes sure no one sees him, before pulling the sleeves of his jacket up, landing his eyes on the mess in front of him.

Some had been rather recent, red blotted lines looking back at him as he is reminded of sick days and a dread so deep that it made his head hurt. His heart was beating out of his ribcage, pounding furiously at his eardrums as he tries to steady himself.

_One, two, three, four, five, six, seven,_   
_One, two, three, four._   
_One, two three four five six seven eight,_   
_One, two, three, four._

What must Wilbur think, watching his brother weeping like a baby on the school’s bathroom floor? What must Techno think, watching his brother pull out the metal blade that he stole from his replaceable razors?

And Tommy shudders when his mind wonders further

_What would Tubbo think, watching his best friend rot alone?_

The voices bloom inside his head, opening up with a twisted gracefulness that made bile rise up Tommy’s throat. He felt trapped in a field of flowers, forced to marvel at a beauty, an idea that he will never be able to recreate. With shaky hands, he brings the blade up to his forearm, gulping down dry air as he lines himself up, waiting for the moment to start.

  
_Under the sun’s most radiant skies_

He feels the cool metal between his fingertips,

_I watch you from afar_

Tommy avoids his reflection in it’s material.

_A flaming yellow, bold and bright_

The red light blares across his eyes, wary of what this may bring upon,

_Marigolds, may I worship your art_

But he never really did heed any warnings that came his way.

  
_Your beauty sets my heart ablaze_

Adrenaline is pumping through his veins,

_I long to quaint your stars_

He lets out a stifled hiss.

_But yet I try, an unrelenting gaze_

Crimson beads start to form across stark white skin

_To worship the way you are_

He wonders if they’ll stain his shirt.

It takes him a while to recover, feeling his heart rate pace down and the blood start to drip it’s way down his arm. He feels like throwing up again, but it could be from the lack of food that he’s digested in the last week. Tommy jolts back to life when there’s a violent knock on the door, accompanied by a voice that sent an arrow through his heart.

“Tommy! Tommy I saw you run out of your class, are you okay?” Tubbo asked, though his voice was muffled through the door. Tommy tries not to cry at his friend’s voice, but curses himself when tears fall down his face in ugly clusters. 

“Tommy, please talk to me! I need to know-” there’s a sigh “I need to know that you aren’t having another episode again."

 _Oh so that’s what this is? An episode?_ Tommy lets out a laugh, _if only this feeling were temporary._ He doesn’t know what overtakes him, but he gets up to unlock the door anyways, wincing as he does. 

It felt like a field of marigolds when the brunette looks down at tommy’s arms, letting out a gasp as he did so. It felt like a warm summer’s day when he gets pulled into a hug, one that Tommy easily sinks into. 

He basks in the smell of freshly cut grass as his friend tends to the other’s wounds, though he felt the sourness start to seep in from the guilt of having to burden his friend. Tubbo is all happy and sunshine and rainbows, but now, watching him in such a disheveled state, it fills Tommy with a hatred that he had not experienced before.

A yellow glow fills his veins when he looks up at tommy, hazel honey eyes looking back at him.

_“Please, don’t do this anymore, I know it’s hard but I can’t stand seeing you this way.”_

And his heart breaks when Tubbo’s voice cracks

_“I, I don’t think I can even if I tried, Tubbo.”_

He feels a thumb rub gently into a freshly wrapped bandaid, comforting if not for the weight it brings across Tommy’s chest. He begs with him, a silent plea to leave him and his mess behind, Tubbo deserves better after all.

_“You know that you’re stuck with me until the day I die right? I’m not going anywhere if it means you’re not with me anymore.”_

_“But why? You deserve so much better, so much more than I could ever give to you.”_

And he did, Tommy thought that Tubbo deserved the world.

_“Because I think you do too, Tommy. You could and will be so much more than you are right now, and I know that you couldn’t believe that even if you tried. But please, if you will, let me take you out of your misery, even if you don’t want me to.”_

It felt like a field of marigolds, isolating the two amongst flowers that shinned with morning dew, and a sweet nectar that filled Tommy’s head with pleasantries amongst the sour.

_“Please, let me help you grow.”_

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for reading. I hope that you've enjoyed because this has to be my favorite in this series that I'm working on. 
> 
> I took inspirations from the songs:  
> -Apricot Princess from ROC  
> \- You're not with me anymore from No Vacations


End file.
